January 29, 2014 10:00pm


"SO... did you sign the lease today, or will you wait to see if your girl 'friend', and by 'friend' do understand that she is firmly fixed in the 'friend' zone so drop any illusions you have of advances on the physical front, ... will you wait for your friend who is a girl to agree to your convoluted living proposal where you pay 3/4 of the $3750 for the one-bedroom and offer to sleep on the sofa if she picks up the wifi, utilities and shares take-out with you each Tuesday?"

"uuh, wat?"

"It is sooo obvious, if only one not only sees, but observes... your skinny black jeans, plaid work shirt and trucker cap present the carefully coifed composition of a Mission Hipster, right down to the unshaven face, PBR breath and MUNI transfer sticking out your front pocket. However, the American Spirits pack in your shirt pocket does not contain cheap smokes, but nicotine gum and 2 pin-sized "doobies" as I believe you Americans call them, rolled in corner-cut ZigZag papers that retail for $2 at most local bodegas, overpriced for your still barely-illegal indulgence but rolled small and tight, indicating newfound thrift, yet there are two of them, indicating a meeting with someone you hope to lower inhibitions and persuade, persuade to do what? Have sex? Eventually, but not today, today you are focused on finding a place to have sex, a warm place with a bed or at least a sofa, all of which indicates heterosexuality, the gay man of your age would not hesitate in a bathroom stall, office closet or play structure in any children's park, your beard is only 4 days old, you last shaved Wednesday night knowing you could get away with the vague dress code at your corporate job until the weekend, in order to look deliberately vague on Saturday and Sunday, the MUNI transfer, so carefully placed for effect, is in fact from last month as indicated by the color and wear (did you ever read my blog on MUNI transfer color coding? well, you should) on the MUNI transfer is written a phone number using a stubby #2 pencil like is often seen scoring at a bowling alley, a bowling alley is "safe" place to meet "friends", the number has 9 digits, the first three being 510, East Bay, the owner of that number lives in the East Bay but bowls in the Mission, it is a woman who wants to live where she plays, you are carrying a grocery bag full of artisanal coffee, quesos, kale chips, tequila, as if ready to settle in and celebrate and the Craigslist printout in your back pocket of apartment offerings, sorted by distance from tech bus stops does nothing but confirm the rest, you are one of San Francisco's 50,000 Software-Americans who have a coveted high-wage job but nothing else, no girlfriend, no place to live, and no idea why the cool kids in the neighborhood are all talking about Karen Carpenter, Bob-Marc, Sherilyn Connelly, KrOB, Puzzling Evidence and some FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, as if those random words put together has some sort of hidden meaning, which they actually do not. So, did you sign the lease??"

"Who are you, weirdo, some stalker?"

"No. I am Google."

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Thanks to smart phones, everyone is Sherlock.

Chatroom History
January 29, 2014 10:00pm - 5:30am

Sleepy ol' Alan B.: Gerry Rafferty dies aged 63 (10:04pm)
Sleepy ol' Alan B.: Baker Street, released in 1978, was still netting him 80,000 a year more than 30 years later. (10:05pm)
Alan B.: Wait, this show is different from last week. Where's that babbling, lunatic foreigner that isn't Benedict Cumberbatch? (10:11pm)
Alan B.: Read the same damn show description at (10:14pm)
Alan B.: That is a fucking brilliant idea. (10:14pm)
Alan B.: 10 Hours of Badgers doing Mushrooms (10:17pm)
vj pussycat: quality viewing there (10:19pm)
Alan B.: Welcome to Oddball (10:20pm)
Alan B.: Hi, vj pussycat (10:20pm)
vj pussycat: hi alan b. i can't login to tumbler cause i forgot my pw and there's no link for people like me (10:22pm)
Alan B.: Oh, well. (10:23pm)
Alan B.: Thanks for trying! (10:23pm)
vj pussycat: sure thing alan b (10:24pm)
vj pussycat: i gotta go downstairs to do some soldering, but i'll still be listening (10:26pm)
vj pussycat: i don't know i can't access it (10:27pm)
Alan B.: Bob Marc was wishing for a place to put all the cool videos. (10:27pm)
Alan B.: I wish I could figure it out. (10:27pm)
Alan B.: Okay. Try creating an account here: (10:29pm)
Alan B.: And then go here: (10:30pm)
Alan B.: And click on the three parallel lines in the gray box in the upper left hand corner. (10:30pm)
Alan B.: Then click Submit (10:30pm)
Sherilyn: Turns out I have to reset my password! THANKS FOR NOTHING, ALAN. (10:30pm)
Alan B.: But most importantly, Morrie Turner died. (10:31pm)
Alan B.: Shermlock Shomes in The Hound of the Basketballs (10:33pm)
Alan B.: Six pity streams. (10:33pm)
Alan B.: Ewwwwww. (10:36pm)
Alan B.: Sherilyn posted: (10:37pm)
Alan B.: Booperovitch. (10:38pm)
Alan B.: Waltern Smitty is a pretty cool guy, and he got himself booted from the SubGenius Slackhole 2.0, which some might see as an endorsement. (10:39pm)
Alan B.: Rule 34: If it exists, there is porn of it. (10:41pm)
Alan B.: R34 NHLG waterbed mazola superfan porn. And then a nice bullet to the temple. (10:42pm)
Alan B.: Sherlock Holmes R34: (10:44pm)
Alan B.: ^^^ Warning: This is badly-done amateur porn drawings (10:45pm)
Alan B.: Canon of Sherlock Holmes (10:51pm)
Alan B.: Chaplin Robert Downey Jr. Porn (10:54pm)
Alan B.: In 1966 the bomb was a metaphor for everything. (10:56pm)
Alan B.: Okay, this awful: The Crazy Adventures of Wassup Holmes, the illest Hip-Hop Detective. (10:59pm)
Alan B.: 89,700 kilohertz (11:01pm)
Alan B.: Michael Chabon: Inventing Sherlock Holmes (11:04pm)
Alan B.: 66 minutes into the show -- the best sax solo ever (11:06pm)
Alan B.: That goes in the tumblr (11:08pm)
Alan B.: Down the Rafferty Hole (11:10pm)
Alan B.: Foo Fighters: Baker Street (11:14pm)
Sleeply ol' Alan B.: Be well. See ya next week. 'Nite. (11:17pm)
vj pussycat: he can't use the fucking catbox either (12:48am)
Catty: callers (1:38am)
Catty: listeners (1:38am)
Catty: wanna know (1:38am)
jwsus: what the fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkk (1:39am)
jwsus: why they do all this words bad (1:39am)
jwsus: they bad mouths (1:40am)
vj pussycat: uh huh (2:01am)
vj pussycat: not listening (2:02am)
vj pussycat: i'm not listening (2:04am)
vj pussycat: uh yea, 3:30 (2:54am)
vj pussycat: i'll sleep when i'm dead (2:55am)
vj pussycat: hope i can make it thru all puzzling evidence tomorrow . night y'all (3:00am)

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