November 1, 2016 10:00pm


I want to let the children know that you're going to hear a lot of people worrying about this. Some of your Moms and Dads, grandparents, even your big brothers and sisters... well, they might be scared. So I'm telling you to tell them, everything is going to be okay. I promise.

Now I want to talk to the grownups. We know that the threat of a Donald Trump presidency is going to give some people an excuse for lawlessness. As of this evening, I've placed the National Guard and the Army on full alert. We will not tolerate any disruption of our way of life. Our society will continue as normal. Work will go on. You will pay your bills. You will listen to the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND.

There will be no hoarding. There will be no sudden profiteering. I am freezing all wages, all prices. I have instructed the Secretary of the Treasury to close the nation's financial markets. All stock, bond, interest and commodity rates, all currency exchange rates and precious metal prices will remain fixed at today's prices. What a bottle of water cost you yesterday, it will cost you tomorrow. If Karen Carpenter, Bob-Marc, and Sherilyn Connelly sell something for more than it cost this morning, they will be arrested. Anyone rioting, anyone looting, that person is going to be shot on sight.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Everything is going to be fine. Probably.

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