Funny how everyone looks forward to Decorative Gourd Season, what with the fall colors, the crisp air, and the excitement of Halloween. In reality we jointly experience massive cell death, uncontrolled climate change and bizarre sugar extortion. Setting aside these ironies, the general populous blindly jogs on, more or less oblivious to the reality of monsters... MONSTERS IN CONTROL OF YOUR LIFE. Yes, some time ago, top scientists at NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND (including, but not limited to Dr. Karen Carpenter, Professor Bob-Marc, and Doctor-Professor-Doctor Sherilyn Connelly) discovered the hidden secret of the US Government, i.e. that it is infiltrated by a menagerie of aliens, reptilians, silicon-based A.I. apps, lagoon creatures, restless spirits, subterranian molemen and hedge fund managers. Except the Post Office, which is, and always has been, a union shop. So, as you listen to the FINAL BROADCAST, now know that the unending display of the basest of human instincts that is the presidential campaign shows what real humans are... and one of then will someday be the only person standing between US and The U.S. GOVERNMENT! Da da daaaaa.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: I'm giving you a choice: either put on these glasses, or start eating that trash can.