OR, "VAMPIRE SOJOURNERS in a Hostile World." We speak once again of Vampires. The subject is far broader than supposed by those who tend to give it less than cursory attention. Because Legendry is consonant with a long history of revenants, or walking corpses, accompanied by tales of "bloodsucking" Ghoules (or Eaters of the Dead), precision requires that we pin down a distinct set of characteristics consistently attributed only to Vampires. Central to Vampire myth, however, is the consumption of human blood or other essence (such as bodily fluids or Psychic energy), usually performed by those with the diagnostic feature of sharp teeth or "fangs" with which to facilitate this transfer, depending, as always, on individual cases and allowing for regional variations. In most depictions, the former human canines in the dentary may indeed be employed, but according to Natvilcius (1692) it is the incisor array, adapted to the task post-mortem, which most commonly comes into use by the Undead-— that is to say, those said to have been somehow revived after death, as in the instance of Yeshua Ben-David, called by the Roman authorities Jesus (of Nazareth). Many are said to rise nightly from their sepulchers or coffins with some regularity, provided that those oblong receptacles have been maintained to include enough of their native soil (a must) to make a diurnal bed. A Vampire, though, it must be remembered begins its post-human existence as a charged (ecto-)plasma, a contained body of mephitic activity seeking a foothold in the former mortal world. Many disembodied spirits take up this quest, but only Vampiric entities are usually permitted, by the Immanent Will that stirs and urges everything, to find it-- typically via the ingestion of freshly drawn human blood or Elan Vital. This needed transfer, once achieved, permits a realistic simulacrum of a human body to be formed, accepted from perceptual resonance by chosen receptive human subjects. Such Vampires may, as in the accounts, cast no shadow or produce a mirror reflection-- unless they attend to this detail, as a superior Vampire easily does under ordinary circumstances. [European, Slavonic and Mediterranean] Vampires are typically said to be of pale skin, and range in appearance from grotesque to preternaturally beautiful, depending on the tale-teller. For these, the modern era points up an inability to be photographed or recorded on film or digital media. The assertion that Vampires "suck blood" is a locution which many Vampires have found irritating when encountered, since basically a mere thinning or whittling away of the outer epidermis with the incisors permits, while the "patient" or prey is immobilized by spell or hypnotic trance, a gentle, sanguine upwelling as a result of ordinary circulatory activity which may be easily and neatly lapped up, with no messy, vulgar suction ever employed. And some prefer to deal not with the physical blood at all, preferring an osmotic transfer of vital energy from patient to recipient.

We touch on the manner in which a mortal person may develop into a Vampire in a variety of ways, the most common of which is, obviously, to be bitten-- in which case the contagion is most probable as a result. Other methods include sorcery, committing suicide or (it is said) having a black cat jump over a recently deceased person’s corpse. Some have believed that (unwanted) babies born with a full set of teeth, or on Christmas or between Christmas and Epiphany, may be predisposed to becoming Vampires or related Were-wolves. Diagnostically, the water in the Baptismal font may boil when such an infant is presented. While Vampires usually do not die of disease or other normal human afflictions, and are indeed often said to have faster-than-normal "healing" capabilities, there is no oddity in a non-living body's immunity to sickness, nor can it truly heal in the commonly understood sense. The restoration of body mass is best accomplished simply by further transfer of living blood or energy. Animal blood may sometimes interchangeably be used, which, however, disadvantageously facilitates the transposition of the soma into quasi-animal form, and is in fact one avenue toward true Lycanthropy.

As is widely known in many cultures, there are various traditional methods for their defeat and destruction. The most popular of those include a wooden stake through the heart, fire, decapitation, and exposure to sunlight. Vampires are often depicted as being repelled, like all blood-drinking entities, by garlic. In some instances running water, or Christian implements such as crucifixes and holy water have had some effect. In related stories Vampires may enter a home only if they have been invited, and in others they may be said to be distracted by the scattering of objects such as seeds or grains that they are compelled to count, thereby enabling potential victims to escape. This task of counting appears as one of the penitential labors of Psyche in the Metamorphosis of Late-Roman writer Lucius Apulieus, also called the Golden Ass. That book also contains a Vampire account, at one point; we mention it during the Podcast.

Creatures with Vampiric characteristics have appeared at least as far back as ancient Greece, where stories were told of fell liches that attacked people in their sleep and, in passing, significantly drained their bodily fluids. Tales of walking corpses that tippled on the blood of the living and spread Pestilence flourished in Medieval Europe in times of Plague and infirmity, and those unfortunates lacking a modern understanding of infectious disease came to believe that those who became Vampires preyed first upon their own families, a relatively infrequent case. Research has posited that characteristics associated with Vampires can be traced back to such certain known maladies as Porphyria, which makes the presence of light painful and distracting; Tuberculosis or Consumption, which causes wasting; Pellagra, a disease that thins the skin and dreaded Rabies, which causes biting and general sensitivities that could lead to repulsion by light or garlic. By trial and error, many Vampires active at the present time may overcome either, by the expedient of wearing specially crafted shoes containing the native grave earth in a layer beneath the inner soles. Whatever works, eh? In addition to various spells, chants and exorcisms we also perform the poetry of Blake, (Clark Ashton) Smith, Lewis Carroll and others. Three hours.

AS CHERUBS ARE TO ANGELS, Imps are to full-grown Demons. It's all in the show. And as Imps create annoyances and exult in causing subject humans to lose their temper and commit the Sin of Wrath, studies show that their maximally developed adult stage, Demons, seek a recondite ecstasy in shepherding the torment of the highest developed humans: philosophers, saints and the like. Usually given a pass by most theologians, Imps tend to be described in the literature as mischievous pranksters more than a serious threat (tell that to Saint Anthony!)-- as lesser creatures, in essence, unimportant if supernatural beings. These small helpers who attend the Devil may properly be described as Imps. They are usually reported to be quite diminutive and very active. What of their classification? Imps were the common name given to familiar spirits that served witches in the Middle Ages, usually kept inside artifacts such as gemstone pieces or vials, and summoned for malevolent service by means of Magic. As a side note to the show, we mention in passing the work LES FARFADETS ("The Imps") in three volumes, printed 1818-1820, 1200 pages, by one Alexis-Vincent Berbiguier de Terre-Neuve du Thym (b. 1764, probably). The books are the most comprehensive volumes ever published on the Imps, their gestation, development and diuturnal longevity. Berbiguier, himself tormented continuously by these little devils, was considered a madman by some (most) people for his obsession. The date of his death is unknown, uncertain like his birthdate. What happened to Berbiguier? It is believed that in the end, the Imps got him.

HEAR THE "BOB" SONG starting 1:09:08, presented along with poetic fragments and Archival excerpts. The late, great Don Joyce makes an appearance among others. KrOB shepherds us through the last (additional) hour. The rutabaga is an often overlooked, but sweet and nutrient-packed, root vegetable. Originating sometime in the 17th century, it's a hybrid between a turnip and a wild cabbage. In fact, a rutabaga may truly be said to resemble a giant, ugly turnip. Many people confuse the two vegetables, but there are some key differences. It is always important to make distinctions in every field of endeavor and taxonomy.

PROFILES ORGANISMS that were once but rumored to exist, or were thought to be impossible, that were subsequently scientifically shown to be real; and others that were once accepted as fact that were later determined to have never existed. The show speculates about dragons and sea serpents, wingless birds and Abominable Snowmen, starting with the Gryphon or Griffin. We examine ancient sources, including Sir John Mandeville's Travels. Some of the claims we make here may become later criticized or ridiculed, which is a casualty of this species of erudition. We note entries in certain rare and antique texts, including the Aviarium by Hugh of Fouilloy, the Bestiaires of Gervaise, Guillaume le Clerc, Philippe de Thaon, Pierre de Beauvais, Isodore of Seville's Etymologiae, De Naturis Rerum by Hrabanus Maurus, De Proprietatibus Rerum by Bartholomaeus Anglicus and the renowned Bestiaire d'Amour by Richard de Fournival. Was the marine Scolopendra a fantasy or a giant form, now extinct (or extremely rare) of the Robin Fish, which has evolved multiple insect-like legs to walk upon the bottom of the sea? Hmmm... who knows? Could be...

AND SOME OF HIS FRIENDS feature in this episode. We are told not to discuss "Politics" on these iterations, but in truth everything is political in its origin, genesis and later ultimate effects. Thus we excerpt some of the historic Election Material in the time-honored Struggle for the office of Showboss. But Kalliope, the Muse of Poetry, is also served here. Maudlin reflections on a tottering career are also presented as part of this (ideally) savory collation. Three hours, count 'em-- three! Special thanks to Robert Zimmerman, the 700 Charwomen and Doug Sputley, Hank Vapid and Bud Tutley of the Nude Action News Team.

WHERE IS IT NOW? A speculation. Beings of the unserviceable hours. Archival material annotated. Eventually we get to the good, old live Ask Dr. Hal! Show. Chances for its revival in this state are negligible. There is, however, the on-line version at askdrhalshow.com whose next iteration will be October 20th at 6 PM Pacific Time. A little cross-pollination here, heh, heh... Robert Bly's Kabir helps take us out...

TO THIS PODCAST, Ask Dr. Hal! surveys in this program the dangers and exaltations of a life surrendered to poetry and the arts. Still decompressing from a certain Desert Festival, Dr. H. Owll proceeds, after critical remarks on the BMorg, as we call it, with a brief memorial for those who did fail to make it back, with appropriate reverence... We also revisit some of the many Hours of Slack vouchsafed unto us by the Sacred Scribe, the Very Reverend Ivan Stang. No visitors appear, and the Show clocks in at the usual three hours.

OR, THE TITAN (not just the Planet, which its inhabitants call Cyrkanosh)-- a Miltonic creation in verse by the unmatchable Clark Ashton Smith. Yes, exceptional, inimitable, transcendent, unparalleled, and beyond compare, if you don't care for Unmatchable. Saturn or Cronos, an Elder God was of the race of Titans. Though the later Olympians made a distinction, the Titanic clade does overlap with the later established Hellenic (Graeco-Roman) Pantheon. Circe the witch, was, for example, a Titan. So was the much-persecuted Prometheus. So was Helios, the Sun god, father of Circe. But the next Administration was comprised of the Gods we've all read about...

"And now they passed among huge mountain-bulks,
Themselves like ambulant mountains, moving slow
'Mid fettered brethren, adding weight and gloom
To that mute conclave great against the stars.
Emerging thence the Titans marched where still
Their own portentous shadows went before
Like night that fled but shrunk not, dusking all
That desert way."

Last show before Burning Man, in all probability. The standard three hours.

BY CLARK ASHTON SMITH. A story of Plutonian revenge, from the last continent of dying Earth, aeons hence, under the vast coal-red sun. In that far-removed time ancient sorceries have again been made manifest, and even the gods have given way to others. We dramatize this striking narrative, penned by the Hermit of Auburn, here for the first time. It is an often grisly tale, uncompromising in its forcefulness. We believe its entertainment value overwhelms any possible objections on behalf of a milder aesthetic. The rest of this episode continues in the usual way, enlivened by a welcome visit from KrOB. Four hours in toto [image by Serhiy Krykun].

A HISTORICAL SURVEY OF VAMPIRES... and other oddments and endments. With discourses upon many esoteric subjects. Includes: confessions of a one-time grave-robber. The Bunyip and the Whistling Teakettle. And... a timely visit from KrOB. Yes, we're back. But... how far back? Four hours of new Show.

A SHOW FOR HARD-CORE FANS ONLY-- this one does not even start until 14:14. Go there and listen to the expression of dreary, energy-draining uncertainty which makes the episode plod dispiritedly along. Bombarded by disco music which was obnoxious even in its day, vibrating through the un-insulated wall, we discover how damaged equipment keeps interrupting throughout the proceedings with blank negation of what's intended. Volume levels tend to be low. The connectors into the submixer were damaged by someone, and the slightest touch on the now-untraceable wiring tends to cut the microphone. A great weariness, exasperation with the entire enterprise-- these can be discerned, but to what end? We did an opening, a recitation, all that we usually present, but it went into the memory hole and DJ Otto/Robo DJ superseded it. Why? Did the preceding show press the dreaded Blue Button that prevents the podcast from going out? Driven by desperation, we pressed the Red button and were (partially) restored. Yet, what's the point? IT'S HARD ENOUGH TO PUT ON AN ENTERTAINING SHOW without this interpolated level of inept, insulting interruption. We were clued by the Chatterbox that nothing was being heard. And there was no indication, until quite late in the podcast, that anyone was hearing anything. This tends to drain energy, this listless not knowing whether it's worth doing... So there is a bit of Show here, with poetry, music and Stan Freberg. About 20 minutes after 1:00 AM we abandon ship. These anomalies should not be laid at our door, we think. To anyone who listened to this one, apologies-- and thanks.

SO OFTEN REQUESTED BY THE FANS, DOES APPEAR complete in this episode-- an incredible tale from artist David Normal, who in a far-off jungle during a torrential monsoon did his best, while encamped, to keep dry. And refuge from the rain was also sought by another. David relates how, lying in his bedroll, he unexpectedly felt something large and many-jointed, which had found the driest place for itself-- in his shorts, sheltering under his Family Jewels. The Red Scorpion of Asia and India (Mesobuthus tamulus) is one of the world's deadliest scorpions, with stings representing a life-threatening medical emergency. This species is distributed throughout the Indian sub-continent, including eastern Pakistan, eastern Nepal, and Sri Lanka, formerly Ceylon or Taprobane. Guest speaker David had to deal with this unwanted visitor after waking up. Hear what happened. Much is here from the great audio creations of Stan Freberg. The show also features poetry by Tolkien and Clark Ashton Smith among others. We delve deeper into the mysterious Book of Imaginary Beings. We also include many and varied musical selections of unusual quality. Three hours of this, dear fiends. Heh, heh heh... The Scorpion Story occurs at 02:49:05.

BY H. P. LOVECRAFT in his "Dunsanian" period, from the pages of WEIRD TALES-- this reading starts us off. And many and multifold are the permutations thereof. We are later joined by KrOB, and converse on topics far and afield. Radio Valencia continues, and with it we still go on as well. Four hours, just clipping off our usual "outro" theme music. WATCH: The Ask Dr. Hal! Show Home Edition, featuring a visit to an (unpleasant) alien world, our Roger Corman tribute, a musical appearance by the Dust Bowl Faeries, and more. Sunday evening, June 16th, at 6 PM Pacific-- don't miss the beginning! --at www.askdrhalshow.com

BY ROBERT BLOCH-- The Show continues, and we pursue the writers of classic supernatural fiction, particularly those of Farnsworth Wright's WEIRD TALES magazine, as well as writers who flourished among the Pulp fiction periodicals of their era. Visitors include KrOB and artist David Normal. Straight from the pages of WEIRD TALES comes Robert Bloch's story, A Question of Etiquette. We read this tale of a census taker caught up in Witchcraft when interviewing an actual Witch, which involves the flight through the air to the Sabbat and its Master, Satan Mekatrig. KrOB reminisces about Sinbad's 7th Voyage, as we are both wont to do. Then David brings in an enormous box of plastic-wrapped Pulp magazines-- and we read samples from them, from the sublime Clark Ashton Smith to the irrepressible Pulpmeister Robert Laslie Bellem (from the extinct publication HOLLYWOOD DETECTIVE). 'Tis a cozy scene, lasting for an extra hour, four hours in all. We seem back on track, but the End of the Line could be reached at any time, of course, if recent struggles offer any guidance. Try us again next week. And also try, won't you, the next iteration of ASK DR. HAL! --the Home Edition, an online interactive video presentation. The Webinar begins at 6:00 PM Pacific Time, or for East Coast participants, 9:00 PM. It's on Twitch via Zppm. but all you need to do is go on Sunday at Six to www.askdrhalshow.com --we have cartoons, Monster Movie Moments-- we set the whole megilla in magnum motion. See you there!

MUST SERVE until these problems are taken care of, if ever. Without music, even without poor old "DJ Otto," we're left only with vaguely recollected song fragments, rambling spur-of-the-moment improvised remarks-- not the formula for anyone's idea of entertainment. Then hear KrOB come in, diagnose station troubles (Diagnosis: dismal and perhaps unfixable) and join us, setting up his more than able personal device. Then it's entertaining, in its way, until the end-- at least more so than the beginning. This posted show does not even include the first hour, which is only a fruitless struggle. There are 3 hours because we run until 2:00 AM. No intro; it couldn't play anyway, and this archived podcast begins in medias res. Yogg-Sothoth grant that we will surmount these endless obstacles next time...

WITH NO MUSIC or sound effects, still continued, thanks to followers on the Chatterbox who kept us going by posing questions for us to answer for three lo-ong hours. The arrangement of studio devices had been scrambled by other users and there was no time to trouble-shoot before beginning. When the Studio's not configured for the show to run there's little we can do. Only the fans made it possible this time. We're hoping to guarantee our next podcast by bringing in not only a guest but also a technical expert who will make sure we're connected. All these show failures... it's not us-- it's the equipment! Yet, "it's a poor workman who blames his tools." We hope to get back to the level of content we used to enjoy. GAK-K-K-KK!

BY DONALD WANDREI, originally published in the old ESQUIRE back in the day-- that reading began this five-hour episode. Special Guest David Normal, head of the cat-worshiping Cult of Holofelinity, was our studio visitor this episode. Moreover, KrOB put in an appearance. And so five hours flew by. Much is discussed of interest to fanatics of other stripes. Still, the Leopard does not change his spots, eh? It checks out. Dots and dashes and lots of flashes! --as Walt Winchell was wont to say. The story "Lukundoo" is by Edward Lucas White. "It Will Grow on You" has a similar theme. We also vicariously participate in a "Terror Safari" and encounter with a "lust-crazed Giant Gorilla." But you have to be there.

... WHO IS ALWAYS WELCOMED by our Show. And, sure enough, Mr. Peppe appears and stays throughout the length (4 hours) of this episode. We talk of this and that, some ordinary and trivial matters and, interspersed, subjects which partake of the unusual profundity our guest deals with almost casually. Then there are moments of contemplative silence, when only the music carries us forward. It is an uneven journey, and we must mention that M. Peppe actually becomes ill about halfway through the proceedings-- he rushes to void the contents of his stomach in the Radio Valencia toilet, conveniently located nearby. There follows some discussion of dyspepsia and, generally, "tummy troubles" --not congenial as a subject to some listeners. It is not a disease we speak of, but basically a symptom of gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD) and other conditions. This dyspepsia is a common problem, affecting particularly those who combine different intoxicants unsuccessfully. Perhaps it was the Fernet Branca. Here the symptoms included bloating, discomfort, feeling too full, nausea, and gas. It must be emphasized that in most cases, such reactions happen after eating or drinking. Other causes may include medical conditions, such as gastroesophageal reflux disease (GERD), and the use of... certain medications. Ask your gastroenterologist how to avoid these pitfalls. What? You don't have a personal gastroenterologist? GERD up your loins and prepare to go into battle. By the end we are discussing things less potentially offensive, such as Frankenstein-like experiments in, say, keeping severed heads alive, a technique referred to as Perfusion...

...AND HIS DEED TO RESTORE THE REPUTE of the great House of Tarquin. Yes, "Horatius" again, but here, for the first time, the entire thing. In 506 BC, the fires of rebellion burned bright in Rome. The tyrannical reign of King Sextus Tarquinius the Proud had been extinguished by his wide infamy, particularly his rape of the noblewoman Lucretia-- and he sought refuge with Porsena, powerful king of the nearby Etruscan city of Clusium. Enraged by the expulsion of his ally, Porsena marched on Rome at the head of a mighty army.

The Etruscan forces concentrated their attack on the western bank of the Tiber River. They stormed the Janiculum Hill, a strategic point overlooking the city, and established a garrison there. Their next objective – the Pons Sublicius, the sole bridge across the Tiber. This vital link offered the only path for the Etruscan army to breach the city walls.

The Roman forces, led by consuls M. Valerius Volusus and T. Lucretius Tricipitinus, braced themselves for a desperate defense at the bridge. However, Porsena’s army vastly outnumbered the Roman forces. The initial clash was fierce, but the tide soon turned. Both Roman commanders were wounded and carried from the battlefield, sparking panic among their ranks. The Roman line faltered, and soldiers began to flee in a desperate scramble for the bridge.

Three Roman heroes stood firm on the bridge – Spurius Lartius, Titus Herminius, and Horatius Cocles. Together, they formed a desperate but unyielding shield against the Etruscan onslaught. Their unwavering defense bought precious time for their comrades to retreat across the bridge. As the last Roman soldier reached safety, the order came down – sever the bridge!

With a thunderous crash, the Pons Sublicius began to crumble into the Tiber. Lartius and Herminius, their duty fulfilled, scrambled back to the Roman side. But Horatius Cocles remained. In a display of unparalleled courage, he plunged into the churning waters of the Tiber, his heavy armor a perilous burden.

Despite the raging current and the hail of Etruscan arrows, Horatius Cocles fought his way back to the opposite shore. Exhausted but unbroken, he emerged from the river a living legend. The grateful City erupted in cheers. Horatius, forever marked by his sacrifice – some say he lost an eye in the battle – could no longer fight. Yet, Rome showered him with honors. He received a hero’s crown, a lifetime of public food rations, a vast plot of land tilled by a grateful citizenry, and the ultimate symbol of Roman valor – a bronze statue erected in the heart of the city, in the Comitium.

Experience it all on this show-- a performance, not necessarily the ideal one. Next week we expect to feature MICHAEL PEPPE!

...NO TRICK of wiring or cross-connection-- no Technical Difficulties at all... this time... It was not needed, for once, for KrOB to swoop in and with his supernal skill and understanding undo whatever complication happens to be blocking the inception and regular performance of this feature. All was ship-shape and squared away. Eventually, herein, we come to a nearly complete recitation of John Milton's apostrophe to Melancholy, IL PENSEROSO. This poem explores the theme of contemplative philosophical solitude, contrasting it with typically fleeting and delusive joys. The poet here rejects shallow pleasures in favor of "divinest Melancholy," an introspective state of heightened intellection, and describes the qualities of Melancholy as wise, holy, and descended from "bright-haired Vesta," daughter of "Solitary Saturn." He invites Melancholia to join him in ascetic ratiocination, accompanied by "Calm, Peace and Quiet," "spare Fast," "retired Leisure," and, presiding over all, guiding "the fiery-wheeled Throne," the "cherub, Contemplation." Seeking solace in Nature, music, and the pursuit of knowledge, an experience of recondite rapture is suggested-- and then reached. The whole megilla aligns, they say, with a literary trend popular during the 17th century, highlighting the exploration of inner emotions and search for meaning in solitudinous transcendence. And there's more stuff, including some zippy musical selections. Just as long as the gizmo, which is to say the dingfutzer, whatchamacallit, contraption or doohickey at this soi-disant station continues to function, this... this can all go on.