In another of this programme's continuing scientific studies, NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND replaced a genteel Southern family's breadwinner with Dr. Fiasco, the Brazilian Asstronaut. The digitally-wired and asbestos underwear-wearing Dr. Fiasco was dropped deep into Family territory, armed only with his primal wits and a CD box set of Allen Ginsberg's poetry. He was instructed to put his elbows on the table, talk incessantly about gay marriage and the Occupy movement while demanding vegan meals he refuses to eat. Remember, the 1st rule about Thanksgiving is no one talks about their feelings until the 1st punch is thrown.

Join this week's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND as Karen Carpenter, Telephonic Dr. Fiasco, and SPECIAL GUEST Bob-Marc, The Mission Martian, question why genetic entanglements and seasonal holidays are allowed to intersect. Just whose idea was that, anyway?

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Please pass the pepper.

In this week's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND Karen Carpenter, Dr. Fiasco and Bob Marc the Mission Martian Hipster explore life's contradictions, mysteries, conundrums and the unknown. Yes...there are many things people believe in. Things people HAVE to believe in and yet make no sense.


We start with Euclid's definition of a point: "That which has no part". A point is an indivisible location. That is, it can not be divided into smaller parts because it is infinitely small and has no width, length or breadth but it denotes an exact position in space. Now wait a minute, how can something that is infinitely small even exist with no width, length or breadth ?


And so one ponders what else is there that people believe in yet cannot be seen, measured or weighed. For example a Perfect Circle, Isaac Newton's 4th law of motion, rivers and oceans on the Moon, the last digit of Pi, unicorns, non-authoritarian authority, equal opportunity, Trickle-Down Economics, Saddam's weapons of mass destruction, real Fox News news, immaculate conception, Lars von Trier sitcoms, my fucking Jet Pack and an apology from Chicken John.


Well, you get the idea. It's a blend of scientific theory, myths and the little lies folks tell themselves to keep from sucking on a Smith and Wesson Popsicle. Join us as we explore life's kerfuffles wrapped up in a paradox and fill you ears with beautiful sounds and cacophonous klaxons of impending calamities.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: We are really not (quite) here.

Any idiot can pester everyone in their general vicinity to vote for someone or something, but it takes Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco in the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND to be there, standing firm in their convictions after everyone's gone home. In tonight's show we will give the Answer Key to this year's ballot. And chances are you flunked and are off to Election Special Ed. Ed Lee, that is.

Call 415-875-9051 and weigh in with your unqualified opinion on NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND's own Voter Propositions, including:

- Move the entire SF school district to the Farallon Islands, thereby ending for good parent's complaints that their kids don't get to go to school in their neighborhood.

- Frank Chu for City Comptroller.

- Making Ross Mirkarimi's hair a National Landmark. Same for Avalos' beard.

- Sit/Lie outlawed in the Mission, with the culturally sensitive caveat that hammocks are still OK.

- Bond initiative to finance the shaving of Ed Lee's outdated porn mustache.

- Trade Bayview/Hunter's Point for Alameda. Throw in a couple of hipster bars to sweeten the deal. 1015 Folsom to be relocated to its aboriginal homeland of Hayward.

- Treasure Island to become World's Largest Leash-free Dog Park.

- Police pensions to be partially funded by sales of Rose Pak Action Figures (available at select Chinatown outlets)

Applying the Heisenberg uncertainty principle to politics, we can prove that the mere act of participating in an election actually CHANGES THE OUTCOME! Also, the position and momentum of a politician can never be simultaneously determined.

Plus: An interview with Herman Cain's conscience.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: We decide. You put up with it.

In tonight's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco conduct an exploration of the inverse relationship between increased disposable income and money's limited power to purchase anything of actual value... by which we ask "Do the wealth creators really want to spend more time with their kids?". Yes, indeed, it is very very expensive to be wealthy!

And it does follow that Money does not bring Happiness. However, Money does send a white stretch Hummer limo to pick up Happiness at her place, puts Happiness in a private jet incrusted with Swarovski crystals and delivers Happiness to your door just in time for your Ivy League Snobs Anonymous meeting.

By illuminating the struggles of the very rich to avoid taxes, supermarkets and family reunions and to live with Dignity (Dignity Gutierrez, the Nicaraguan governess that is), NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND will spread empathy to 1% of our listeners. A demographic triumph.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: The show where money isn't everything, but it's 100%. Also, Home of the Christopher Cross Whale Song. No, seriously.

In tonight's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco will celebrate the miraculous worldwide economic recovery driven by huge sales of Guy Fawkes masks and camping equipment by (temporarily) occupying the wood-paneled studios of Radio Valencia.

In related news, Dr. Fiasco and Mrs. Dr. Fiasco have recently returned from their trip to Greece. It was closed. But the Oakland PD should definitely consider visiting, they'd have a smashing time in Athens. And with Dr. Fiasco laughing all the way to the bank now that the Yanni Commemorative Drachmas he bought from the Franklin Mint in 1987 are going to be legal tender, the party will rage in the rarefied confines of the Radio Valencia studios as Karen Carpenter will distribute Greek Treasury Bonds in the form of IOUs signed by Zorba himself to every third caller (415-875-9051). Zorba Sanchez, the muffler guy at House of Brakes, that is.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, THIS IS WHAT DEMOCRACY LOOKS LIKE. Better than horrendous but worse than attractive...

Tourists hate our freedoms and that's why they're attacking us. It is clear that the Tourists want the demise of America, as well as other places like Delaware, and Canada too (which is in Oregon, but it's like a territory of America).

The Tourists spend lots of time in Spain and they see the Alhambra, they like the architecture and now they want a Caliphate, with those impressive columns and stuff.

So, in the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco will take a real, live Tourist and extract as much information from them as they can via enhanced interrogation methods approved by their lawyers from Big Al's House of Discount Lawyering, methods such as:

- be startled by the Bush Man out at Fisherman's Wharf
- get a $250 parking ticket
- witness a nude rights rally
- mistake a policeman for some leather dude at the Folsom street fair, get arrested
- run over a bicycle. Extra truth serum points if it's a fixie.
- say "Frisco"
- confront their underlying prejudices, awkwardly
- attempt to purchase a house, die trying



NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: You're with us or you're with the Tourists.

Welcome to the place members of our community call home, yes, home sweet home. We built it with civic pride and dignity and populated it with friendly colorful characters. We feel safe and are very proud of our municipal government. Through our public safety patrols, we are kept in order and we are protected form unlawful and disrupting influences. Our town is indeed a good place to live!

Karen Carpenter and Dr. Fiasco will use their FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT LAND to celebrate the perfect union of our educated citizenry, our enlightened local leaders, the gleaming infrastructure they built and the local merchants that bring ideal consumer items within our reach. It will be audio equivalent of Pat Boone on a golf course.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: we're moving to Orinda next week.

Not above selling out (quite below it, actually), Karen Carpenter and Dr. Fiasco turn the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND into an extended infomercial, peddling hot items such as

John Hell's How to Make Millions on Radio: Seminar and Motivational DVD Collection !

Chicken John's new poop psychology title "Emotional Intelligence for Morons Like You"

Ronco's Hipster-Be-Gone Brake and Derailleur Kit for Fixies

And much, much more!

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Our operators are standing. Right behind you.

With more post-graduate degrees than a cheap thermometer, the hosts of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND know a thing or so about Null Ledge. Along with the respect (and special parking permit) that comes with that diploma from Devries Institute for Christian Cosmetology and Diesel Engine Repair, they are fully-qualified educationalists.

So, for the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter and Dr. Fiasco will be flaunting their book lurnin',passing notes to each other, describing the color beige to the blind, giving away scholarships to Federal State Community College, discussing the latest research at the world-class Fiasco Institute of Technology & Body Shop and later teach the new kids of Radio Valencia to spin like deadheads until their lunch money flies free. That'll learn 'em.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: As much fun as a field trip to a field.

Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco would have loved to go to that amazing event of radical self-expression, community-building and other hyphenated words, but unfortunately the Michigan Militia Commie Hunting Safari, BBQ & Literary Symposium was sold out.

So, for the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter and No Dr. Fiasco (who will be doing field research on exactly how much fun he can have for $2 in and around the Tenderloin) will broadcast ELECTROMAGNETIC VIBRATIONS OF FUN DIRECTLY INTO YOUR BRAIN. See if we don't.


NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: There are 50,000 reasons to listen in tonight.

The FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND has been cancelled due to BREAKING NEWS from the Radio Valencia Presidential Bunker:

Clashes between rebel DJs and troops loyal to Chicken John were reported Wednesday morning in the Inner Mission, even as warehouse residents celebrated the prospective end of Chicken John's totalitarian decision-making regarding which new mixer board will be purchased.

Chicken John reportedly has a glossy mail-order catalogue of overpriced and under-performing audio equipment and a valid credit card. If he is not stopped, analysts are all but certain he will charge again.

Chicken's last two minions were arrested Tuesday as they packed dirty dishes and E in preparation for a chaotic retreat into the Black Rock Desert. Chicken John has so far evaded capture, but reported panhandling at Ritual Roasters and stashing his collection of Dodge Darts at House of Brakes. In his last communique, Chicken John said "Protest all you want, but do it quietly! I am hereby turning off Facebook and taking the batteries out of your iPhone! Now SHUTUP!".


NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Blindingly Transparent.

There comes a time when the People have had enough and rise up.

And that time is when you turn off their cell phones in the subway or when someone in London decides they'd like a free sneaker or flat screen TV.

In tonight's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter and Dr. Fiasco examine the underlying socio-political-economical and hair-related causes of today's popular dissatisfaction with the current status quo and shed absolutely no light whatsoever on the subject. But by Zeus, it will make you mad as hell and you won't take this any more. By "this" we mean probably the aforementioned radio show. Call us on our Tepid Line at 415-875-9051 and let it fly like Mussolini out of the window about how the Solar System is so unfair or why Frank Chu must be stopped. Or whatever.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, We Shall Undercome.

Nothing in life is as certain as death and taxes... but thanks to the Republican Party (no, really.., thanks) we only have death to play around with these days. But what's a better theme in its finality for the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, where Karen Carpenter and Dr. Fiasco go beyond the Great Beyond to the great chagrin of the departed. Call in with your stories of those who have left this plane while we fill our studio with a whole bunch of LIVING, BREATHING GUESTS such as Bob-Marc The Mission Martian, Puzzling Evidence (now tolerated in 38 states) and Dr. Fiasco's long-lost and recently found cousin, the unfinished and unauthorized Ernest Hemingway Fiasco, straight out of the inhospitable jungles of Brazil. Listen in suspended disbelief as we shake our collective fist at the ridiculousness of life.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, We Really Kill in Colma.

Inspired by the leadership of our president, Barry H. Obama, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco are delighted to celebrate PEACE IN OUR TIME on this week's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND. The resolute courage displayed by America's first non-white cryptofascist chief executive in the face of whining liberal panty-wetters determined to drag everyone into a GODLESS VEGAN NANNY STATE, has forever removed REAL AMERICANS from the horrible specter of shared sacrifice.

In the spirit of this week's unilateral surrender, Fiasco & Carpenter will phone it in... maybe. Fortunately, tonight's listeners will hear guest hosts Orin & Lynae Zebest explain why appeasement is a moral, justified and final solution to our problems.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Radio Valencia's Listener Deficit Assurance Program.

In a time when only Zen Masters are able to read entire sentences and the 45-Second Cat Video has been deemed our civilization's crowning cultural achievement, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco celebrate the DEATH OF ATTENTION in this week's FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND. And even though we were not raised by Grand Theft Auto , we say "Good Riddance!" as we can now turn our attention span into attention spin, and finally put down without guilt that book about Chilean poets in Mexico who run away to some desert, why the desert, I totally would go to Acapulco or something, wasn't it Elvis who did a movie in Acapulco? No, that was Hawaii, was Don Ho in it too, he was like the Hawaiian Rat Pack, only it was just one rat instead of a pack, do rats even run in packs? Wolves run in packs, but not for long thanks to Sarah Palin.

Wait, what?

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Radio Valencia's only show with large type and lots of pictures.

The Final Broadcast of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND will present more of the same as part #1, except with completely different douchebags. Plus a special douchebag remembrance by Karen Carpenter, who is without a wingman tonight.

- Dr. Fiasco was called to a special session of Parliament, something about his troubling hacking cough.

- Sean Kelly would have filled in, but he's desperately re-writing his Twilight episode... I mean his original *Twilight Zone* episode ("The Last Cent"), this Friday and Saturday at the Dark Room (http://darkroomsf.com/#tz).

- KrOB is still "rendering" Eyenoise for this Saturday's Film Farm, to be shown in a vacant lot at 150 Valencia, 9:30pm.
http://www.facebook.com/ph​oto.php?fbid=1015027258667​7356&set=o.190271777692793​&type=1&theater We expect KrOB will be rendering the short clip until 9:45pm Saturday.

- Puzzling Evidence quit live radio and now only participates in the Radio Valencia chat box, under the pseudonym "Doug Wellman".

- Chicken John can't help with the douchebag topic, out of professional courtesy.

Maybe some douchebags will call in.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Your One-Stop Douchebag Megastore.

Venality, Self-Dealing and Deceit are all Disciplines of the world's most ancient Art.

And tonight, in the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco celebrate the Masters of the craft, including the guy who wrote good reviews about Nero's harp playing, the brioche manufacturer who hired Mary Antoinette in a viral marketing scheme match and the Turkish Army official who thought it was a good idea to store powder kegs inside the Parthenon, not to mention more recent examples. Like the guy this morning who served Karen Carpenter a sesame bagel when Karen had clearly ordered a plain one. Bastard.

We could go on for a couple of years with this theme but in the interest of brevity and our upcoming FINAL BROADCAST about "MID-SIXTEENTH CENTURY PORCELAIN FIGURINES FROM EAST ANGLIA" we will have to cram it all in one show.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Rupert Murdoch hacked our cell phones and wept.

In a not entirely unexpected plot twist, Karen Carpenter, Radio Valencia's answer to Howard Stern (but not as good looking and with less class) was BANNED from Radio Valencia's Studios by Dracula, no, make it Torquemada, actually let's go with that Nero of Radio that is Chicken John.

In the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Dr. Fiasco interviews Karen Carpenter about the interrogations, the banishment to the Barbarian Provinces (i.e. the Inner Mission) the years in exile (well, more like a week), the smuggling of guns to the Resistance and the ensuing war of attrition. There will be laughter, crying and gnashing of teeth, and somewhere in the middle of all this, a radio show.

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: Too Hot for Radio Valencia!

In the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco have reach the endgame of THE REVOLUTION:


THE ULTIMATE FUTILITY OF THE UNARMED INSURRECTION

Sometimes an adversary will graciously state that he will not engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed opponent... and that is oh-so-clever, isn't it? Surprisingly, the Powers That Be have no such compunction. If you bring a knife to a gunfight, they will drop a 15 megaton thermonuclear device on you. In truth, we don't even have a spork.

Join NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND to hear the screams and cries of the oppressed, as the heels of jackboots press hard against the back of their necks.... live in the Radio Valencia Studio!

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND: we quit last week.

In the FINAL BROADCAST of NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Karen Carpenter & Dr. Fiasco circle back and smack THE REVOLUTION in the rear:

THE COUNTER REVOLUTION

It should not be a surprise that many who are not complacent, indifferent or just plan lazy, have chosen a side.. and that side is WINNING! Helping those on top keep it all, because they really do know best and you know your place. Meet the counter revolutionaries on NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, and slay them.

... also listen to the Cleaning Staff Vacuum the Radio Valencia Studio at 10:30pm, Live on air!

NOSE HAIR LINT GLAND, Bringing up the Caboose of Radio Valencia's Proletariat.